the other end...

i usually have myself having the problems with someone... but now i see from a different view.

a view where i am the problem... or at least i feel like im the problem... the change and worries...

*sigh i dont like either ends... they both have their majorly bad down sides...

when will it end..

and how am i gonna do tht when this person wont co-operate...

*sigh this is like MAJOR BAD KARMA O.o

and do i deserve this? "Totally"

what can i say about this..: its not easy.. *sigh

i remember on my old blog... i just wanted all this arguing with tht person to end and become friends again...and it did end (hopefully for good) and were friends again, so glad =)

but the thing is tht even if i get wht i wanted from than... it seems as if i can't maintain a life without arguing...

seriously i need a break...

i just want it to all end

...now...

The Greatest Gift

since yesterday i've been ignoring my mom and such but *sigh i've forgiven her...

but i kinda forgot when something made me happy, made me forgot all my troubles!

Its the greatest gift that no present a person gave would be better and i mean it!


a card... to me yes, a card is the greatest gift you can give a person and today i got one that made me melt...made me really happy and
there it is on the left.


On the back its just a few simple words saying Happy Holidays from that family =)


i mean it, i could barely stand when i saw it... i was like oh my gosh... it made me soo happy inside.


it filled me up with soo much joy i was happy all day and couldnt get mad at the kids even when they did something bad...


seriously no christmas present can EVER top a card! especially one like this =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

towards me when people say they feel bad, that they dont kno what to get. a card is enough even if i get them a gift. i can never ask for anything more but ur words of kindness for the holiday in that card.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

well i remember on saturday, i went to the chinese christmas dinner at church and i very much enjoyed it =)

the acting and people speaking "cantonese", which i nvr heard them speak it before till that saturday, sounded great XP

ohh as well during that day as well as i was going home... i saw a shooting star..

it was very iunno pretty!

and it made me remember as a child i'd wish i would see one but i didnt till that saturday and NO i didnt wish on it XP

but if i were to... i'd wish that this upcoming year there wont be too many hardships. there wouldnt be much arguing, awkwardness, and no fighting...

now that would be the greatest gift along with the cards as well thats going to be my resolution too...

stay out of all this drama this year and do something meaningful instead of arguing.

So what can i say but the greatest gift doesnt always have to be during christmas but thru out the year as well ^^ well 4 more days =D

Merry Early Christmas!

family equal

did u ever think that someone you've known forever gave a fricken care for u?

i really thot this person would care the most... i really thot my mom would care the most...

today i asked randomly, if i ever moved out wht would she do? and shes like "nothing i wouldnt care... go ahead and u can go ahead and move out..." i felt soo much pain just today...

i thot she cared... i dont get it... i thot parents would always love you even if u move away... i kno its a random question asking her...

but this isnt the first time she answered it like tht... i've asked her before and its the exact same answer... im really starting to believe she means it... it really hurts thinking she wouldnt care...

but than again im not surprised... not really... i remember this when i was a child and when i heard it... it made me cry for soo many days... when i was little... my dad said he didnt want me but he wanted agnes... and it made me hurt... but than my moms like i want agnes... take ankie...

it hurt soo much knowing that my parents thot me as a handful and wanting agnes... fighting over her and thats y i have always hated it... hated everything she got...

i've always been jealous of her cuz everyone in our family always liked her just cuz shes smart and she looked cute.

and what was i? a little brat that had problems with her body that caused my parents money...

back than i was sensitive and i still am... its not fair...

i've heard it my whole life... why cant u be as smart as agnes... and all this crap that came along with it...

sometimes i wonder am i that much of a hassle for people...?

i wonder y i have to grow into a family that chooses favourites... i hate it... sometimes i wonder how it'd actually be like if i did leave... would my mom actually be alright... would she actually not care...

i hate it... i really thot i had a place in this family...

even the closest person in my family is slowly moving away from me and moving closer to her friends...

i hate being soo neglected by this so called family...

thankful

i have such encouraging, poetic, thoughtful sibling...

[not my real ones... unfortunately T.T]

My mui made something up and it really made me happy... [i have more than one mui.. guess which one XP]

it made me realize this couldnt happen in a dream cuz my mind cant make up such thoughtful things that can make me realize wht i have is important...

cuz God gave it...

and i keep on forgetting... losing sight of him...

but i keep wishing i had something else but do i really want something else...

wht more can God give when he already gave me everything.

can i not just be happy with wht i have...?

i cant understand y im not satisfied... [note: need tht mentor soon]

but when someone gives you something... something that encourages u.. u just feel thankful...

i truly feel soo thankful this persons in my life...

tears of happiness over flows me inside and out for her...

*hugs if u read it mui*

Every wish for something different,
Every hope for a change,
Every thought of just one chance to change something,
Everything i hope for, dream for, live for, makes me, me.

No matter what i wish was different, changeable really deep inside, i don't want to change a bit because i know this is God's way of making me, molding me, into what he want's me to be.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So insted of thinking of what could of been and focus more on what can be."

thanx mui =)

wht i wish

i wish i can stay dreaming for as long as i want:...

where im in my own perfect world.

where i can live in it for long whiles.

where i can have what i want.

where problems dont even have a beginning.

where i live at peace.

where i feel safe away from words.

where i can speak my mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

but no... thats not how life works...

its just another wish of mine...

it may sound pretty stupid that this would be one of my wishes... but it is... its my happiness supply of forgetting the troubles in the real world...

but thinking of this is just like another dream... having what i want in my life with no troubles.

*sigh... here i go fantasizing about my own little utopia..

. oh how i wish.

i could just get 'away'

thinking yesturday

well yesturday oh man yesturday...

wht do u think of missing a bus... TWICE than having to take the taxi that costs $11, not knowing we didnt have to pay tip soo i paid $15 T.T

than afterwards during my class the kids were monkeying around and holy cow i was gonna blow...

than after teaching, ag used more of the money that she shouldnt have even needed to spend... she paid for her friend... not that its a bad thing but the bad thing is she used my share of my lunch to buy her friend... pretty much leaving me with no money for food until she said she had money of her own and yet i paid for her and her friend... O.o so i took some of her money XP

but than later i wait for the 113 bus to go home... i wait a good 20 minutes and by the time the bus comes im like 2 frozen poles... and speaking of poles...

while i was on the bus there was this lady and she had a carriage and a baby in it and such... she pushes the button to get off the bus and when the bus stops she loses balance grabbing my arm and said:

"oh i thought you were a pole..."

THAT PROVES IT!!! im too skinny even WITH my jacket on?!?! and its pretty sad thinking ur skinnier than u thot u were...

but yea... there goes my morning and afternoon.

and later i go to gym than i go home and finding it hard to believe that someone i knew for a while but had problems with just all the sudden leaves and ignores all friends and everything that includes their friends pretty much...

i just stopped... i just stopped and started crying... im thinking how can i be soo sad... why would it make me want to cry?

i mean i wasnt really friends with this person nor did we get along either...

so i dont get why i cried...

but than i thot even deeper... wht if it was someone i've known for ages than leaves... i'd break down and lose myself...

i bet tht i'd be lost and terribly confused... but wht can be done? trying to think y this person would leave...

maybe... just maybe its God's plan or is it cuz this person lost faith in God...

i just cant stand it to see someone go... all my life i've seen my closest friends leave... not understanding when i was young and now seeing someone not soo close to me leave now... it still hurts...

*sigh... but thinking... wht can i do?

only solution: all i can do is pray this person will come back.

~ki

lose myself in novels

i've been reading. 2 novels this week:













Circle the Soul Softly- Davida Wills Hurwin















this lullaby- Sarah Dessen

......................................................................................................
ok so yea what is ankie doing reading two books that are 300 pages each and done in 4 days?

well... there are reasons..

for 1: it makes me forget all my problems and read the characters problems and how they get fixed... yea im not sure if thats actually a good way to run from my problems... but its all i have...

for 2: i find it very easing and after a good story i could sleep better cuz when it comes to problems... i just cant sleep...

for 3: reading fan fictions online have gotten awkward cuz when msn thingy pops up i see the persons name and such and it reminds me all over again the problems i have...

and yea this isnt the first time...

the one before this one, was like back in June... and maybe thats y some people always saw me online really really late because i was reading trying to get away from problems by reading fan fictions...

thinking... some people may not understand y i would feel this way...

but im scared... im scared of the outcome and the stuff the person says and the way they act are scaring me... cuz im scared i might be the one causing all the pain..

but i always try to think, it doesnt have to be my fault and such but it always comes to my head thinking it is my fault...

hmm maybe im self centred that way... thinking that everythings my fault...

i believe someone told me that...

but thinking back... im soooooo hypocritical...

telling myself back at the beginning of grd 10: someone breaks a friendship with me, i said wouldnt do it to someone else...

but i do it anyways... i break a friendship cuz they broke something i hold dear...

but yea, lately i keep thinking what my older sister had said to me earlier this week.

Along the terms of saying: how can u trust people so easy after being let down so many times...

i somewhat wonder myself, is it cuz i'd like to give people a chance because i havent been given one...

iunno thats just a guessing thot... i may have gotten a chance and not know.. soo yea..

*sigh and i wonder... when i havent even figured out one problem... another pops up before i kno it...

thinking how much pain i go thru... i would seriously rather write 10 essays than go thru these problems.. thats how much i hate these problems...

lately i wished that i could live another life... another life with less of these problems...

but i guess i dont get what i want.. not all the time XP

but yea im gonna be digging myself in another novel by tomorrow...

aiya! soo much to deal with...

well anyways, i should get some sleep.. so i'll end off here and head off.

~ki

confused

i dont kno what to do anymore...

i dont kno how i feel anymore...

i dont kno what i want anymore...

how can i lose everything...

how can i lose all these bad feelings...

how can i summon the courage...

what have i done...

what am i going to do...

what if i try to give it a chance again...

would my past haunt me again

would i be able to get thru this all

would i still be faking smiles after this

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

the many questions that run thru my head.

i sometimes if i can change lives with people... if only it could happen...

anyways i should head off.. i just hope all these confusing thots can be cleared.

~ki

happy.. sad...

yesturday were one of the days that made my emotions go up and down. i mean seriously it was everywhere... the sunday morning started off as any other day but when i got home... its when it all started: it actually started off making me EXTREMELY happy!!!


i was able to go watch a Wong Fu Production: A Moment with You

and ppl who were still at church when i was about to leave... i was REALLY jumpy bout it... and they gave me that funny look that made me think they say: its only a movie... at least thats what i interpret...

but seriously i enjoyed every moment but if i were to rate the movie a good 7 or 8 our of 10 since i kno most of the happenings and such but for sure... I WANT ITTTTT!!! birthday present *nudge nudge tee hee..

anyways i must agree to the ppl that went, i hadnt had this much fun since softball banquet and thats been a while. being there surrounded by et'ers was an enjoyable moment. so a moment with all of you was wonderful =)

but before i went to wong fu. i got pretty mad... i was mad at the fact that a promise was broken. a promise of never saying anything i told this person... broken and smashed... in a few blog comments that were deleted...

it made me pissed off... i dont kno what to do tho... should i give this person another chance...?

than again something comes to mind... my "older sister" (tee hee guess who XD) told me, that me and this person are getting too close as friends soo maybe i should put boundries? like we dont have to tell each other everything. phoning each other alot.. that type of thing...

but anyways i'll think about it...

i forgot most of the madness when i went to wong fu. but after there were two more moments, one happy. one sad.

The sad one was well my last post's comment. i dont get why ppl care if im skinny or not. im perfectly healthy.

telling me that u think im annorexic is uhh well i dont care but why not judge yourself before judging others?

The happy thing was pretty surprising actually. i kno this boy since grd 7 and well i used to have a pretty big crush on this guy back in grd 8 to 9.... but not anymore XP i swear XD.

it made me happy cuz lets say this... we never got along... and talking to him and catching up with someone.. its pretty special to me especially if we havent talked for a good 2 years...

soo we talked on the phone for an hour to 2 hours. all good i guess, but i think hes weirded out cuz i act childish...

anyways yesturday pretty much balanced out happy and sad but unfortunately it ended sad... with the comment... but its alright.

i didnt get mad. i prefer a person to learn to love than learn to hate.

but well im at the library for no particular reason... when i have internet at home too...

anyways im gonna head off and well head home =) maybe a nap is in order =D

~ki

perfect in God's image

Anonymous said...
maybe if you eat your own words, you might gain some weight.. anorexic twig

Due to that mean comment that i dont appreciate, i've put only ppl who have blogspot to leave comments.

and to who may have left me that message, just to tell you.

I dont care that you call me an annorexic twig but let me say this: im perfect the way i am for im made in God's image and your hurtful words dont mean anything whatsoever. Go ahead and throw more at me for one i dont care and two its not gonna be hard to find out who you may be.

oh fyi why put it under anonymous, why dont u just give your name for one i guess ur too scared or two, are u scared ppl will hate you cuz u left it on.

Let me leave a few options/opinions for you:

actually talk it out with me and see whats wrong.
telling me that im skinny well hey i dont actually care, i like being skinny.
if your from ET than this is pretty sad cuz for one: love your brother and sisters
and if your from school: tell me what have i been doing wrong when i havent even been in school.
i believe its pretty stupid you put on anonymous for if u wanted to delete it, you now cant.
oh yea, YES i do eat, more than some people actually but im able to burn it becuz a lil bit of exercise than its gone.
you know the things u say, im taking a higher road, for one i wont stoop to your level and call people that, i dont judge on their bodies.
last, what in the world have i done to you that can make you leave an inappropriate comment. i believe nothing. but than again...

lets just say i want to talk this out. hating on me like this is unfair cuz i dont know what i did wrong.

tell me whats wrong...

tell me whats wrong...

i've asked this person soo many times... still this person doesnt answer... except throws 10 questions at me without answering my question... whats wrong?

i keep asking and this person asks why. and im thinking, cant a person care about a good friend? is it that hard to not ask questions but trust the person and answer a simple question...

*sigh... i just dont kno anymore...

and u kno there are also times where another person tells me whats wrong but than doesnt... just when i think this person trusts me well enough i get it wrong yet again....

but than im a hypocrite in that matter... i do the same things to ppl i dont wanna tell... but like i tell certain ppl how i feel when i trust them well enough and im not sexist or anythings but truly i only tell girls cuz i feel they can really relate and understand just cuz were the same... iunno maybe its same for guys? they tell guys only...?

but than again one of the daniel councillors told me they tell girls cuz if say guy #1 tells guy #2 and if somehow guy #1 gets guy #2 mad than guy #2 just may tell the person all the secrets guy #1 told him...

*sorry if thats confusing

soo im a bit confused which is which...: to believe guys tell guys or guys tell girls?

but than again lately its been really easy telling if somethings wrong with those two... iunno dont ask y cuz those are one of the 10 questions this person asked...

*sigh... i hate not knowing whats wrong with ppl i care about alot... there are some ppl who dont kno i do but sincerely i do...

i mean its sooo frustrating!!! people keep on thinking i dont and than theres also ppl who tries to avoid it!!!

UGHHHHH help me oh Lord... to get over my frustration or better yet make me not care anymore...

*sigh i dont mean that but i need to relieve this frustration some how soo i do it by typing but yea..

im done my ranting soo lets get off the topic and talk about my family...

oh man... my moms trying to reunite my stepdad and my actual dad... its soo scary seeing them talk finally after a good iunno 9 YEARS....

*sigh anyways thats random but im done with blogging soo i end here ^^ nites

~ki